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Obama celebrates 30 million US war-kills since WW2; past Hitler to #3 all-time!

GOVERNMENT TOPICSJULY 5, 2013BY: CARL HERMANSubscribe


(Satire): President Obama announced at a White House press conference today that the US moved past Hitler’s Nazis to #3 for number of deaths caused by government (democide). Press conference excerpts:


President Obama: America’s heritage of celebrating war spans from our national anthem to supporting the War on Terror today. I’m proud to announce the US has moved past Hitler’s Nazis for third place on the all-time list of most people killed by governments. That’s right, we’ve out-murdered the Nazis! (press members chant “USA! USA!”)

I know you’re excited; let me explain what this means: since WW2, the US has killed between 20 and 30 million evil-doers, communists, and terrorists in humanitarian interventions. The list of democides has China at #1 with over 75 million, and the USSR at #2 with over 60 million... but we stopped the Ruskies dead in their tracks when we won the Cold War! (press members laugh)

Then there’s Hitler and the Nazis at just over 20 million. To celebrate America, we now officially assert ourselves better than Hitler’s Nazis in killing the Untermensch! (press cheers) It’s only right that American ingenuity outperforms German efficiency because they stole the word Untermensch and idea of eugenics from us! (more “USA! USA!” chants)

Q: Is there a particular person we’re celebrating as the 30 millionth kill?

Obama: We’ve selected an American to honor: 16-year-old Abdul al-Awlaki. If I had a son, he’d look like Abdul (wipes imaginary tear with middle finger). We’ll put his image on a Hellfire missile to be used for an upcoming contest (stay tuned). Although, when you do the math, the average number we kill is literally a thousand every day for the past 68 years since WW2, so it’s impossible to know for sure.

Q: Wait, isn’t it illegal to target and kill Americans in a War on Terror?

Obama: Not at all. As Peter King, Chair of the House Committee on Homeland Security says, it’s “totally right, totally Constitutional.” And if you question this, you’re a “horrible moron.” And I’ll also go with my advisor, Robert Gibbs: because we killed his American father previously, it was the dad’s fault we also killed his son.

Q: You can’t beat that logic! And the Attorney General said this is legal, right?

Obama: Yes. Eric Holder is among many leaders from the Left and Right arms of our government affirming US right to disappear or assassinate any American we choose. This is not just dictator talk: it’s the law under the 2006 Military Commissions Act and 2012 NDAA.

Q: We shouldn’t support using aircrafts to kill people!

Obama: (gestures to Secret Service, two grab reporter and lift him out of his seat)

Q: (being dragged away from his chair) I meant the terrorists on 9/11! I know all 5,000 killed by our drone aircrafts hated us for our freedoms!

Obama: Sorry! I’m just a little nervous admitting we’re behind China in anything (smiles, press members laugh). But with your help, we’ll have our war in Iran soon, and add ten or twenty million more kills to our growing total!

Q: Isn’t there a way to manipulate the numbers to make us #1 right now?

Obama: We respect Stalin’s totalitarian techniques too much to cheat. We thought about China’s higher population helping their death total, but that’s balanced by the Nazis’ higher per year killings. We also considered the US leading role of preventing the end of poverty with a million children’s deaths every month because we could say that makes us #1 with about five years worth of dead kids. But we wanted to inspire Americans for war on Iran to make an honest move up that list.

So, as always in our great democracy, we need the public’s support if we want to be #1. It’s not enough to just support our troops; Americans clearly need to support our wars. Will you help us reach #1? (press cheers, chants, “USA! USA!”)