No love in V-Day pressure and excess First published: Sunday, February 10, 2008
With Valentine's Day later this week, I can't help but feel bad. No, not for myself, but for men who are partnered. Instead of a holiday to celebrate love, for many women Feb. 14 has become a full-pressure affair, a day to show off their great choice in a mate. It creates sheer performance anxiety of the gift-giving kind. Let me explain. Remember in elementary school, when girls and boys created giant paper heart "envelopes" or faux mailboxes out of Stride Rite shoe boxes hoping they would fill up on that magical February day? The more full your paper heart became, the better you felt. Perception was huge, even to the point where some girls wrote cards to themselves. And if a boy liked a girl -- you know, the chasing on the playground, pulling hair kind of like -- he had to step up the card giving, lest her friends think he was just another "icky" boy. Take Johnny. Johnny likes Sarah. She's cute, what with red pigtails and freckles that dot her nose like snowflakes. She's silly and fun and isn't afraid to get in the sandbox and run over the other boys' toys with her Tonka truck like their cars were straight out of a Happy Meal. Johnny thinks Sarah is neat, and tells her so by slipping one of his extra-special Spider-Man cards that says "I want you in my web" into her construction paper and sticker-covered mailbox. On the bottom in shaky printing he adds "4 ever." Sarah reads it and shows it to all the girls in the class. They have to think Johnny's great. They have to have a crush on Johnny. Because, at that point (and not until then), he has succeeded. So, see, even as little girls, how a boy performs around the girl's friends on Valentine's Day is more important than all the long-stem red roses in town. Women care what other women -- yes other women -- think. Women dress for other women, carry designer purses to impress fellow females (how many guys really know the difference between a Coach bag and a Louis Vuitton?) and try to be perfect mothers and wives, for the sake of other women. It's no different on V-Day. Sending a hefty bouquet of flowers to her home and writing a sweet message in a card is not enough. Have an extra-fancy flower arrangement sent to her office, on the other hand, and score mucho points. Arrange for a dinner or other kind of date she can boast about to her friends, and there's a good chance you'll be rewarded handsomely later that night. Keep your displays out of the public eye, or do nothing, and she's less hurt by your actions and more concerned with what her friends think. What will she tell the busybody at work when asked, "So what did Chris do for you?" Stop it, please. Sweet gestures are fantastic, but who cares what those around you think? Just because your partner doesn't send $200 worth of roses to work, does not mean he loves you any less. I'm not saying to ignore Valentine's Day all together, but anyone can buy flowers and candy. A more personalized, unique -- although less showy -- gift and making a woman feel loved year-round is more powerful than going all out on a single day. Kristi Gustafson can be reached at 454-5494 or by e-mail at kgustafson@timesunion.com.
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