Parent to Parent Too many gifts, no set limits can result in spoiled children BY BETSY FLAGLER Betsy Flagler, a journalist based in Davidson, N.C., teaches preschool and is the mother of a teenage son.
This holiday season, do your kids a favor: Restrain yourself when it comes to shopping. Find a balance between the Grinch and Santa gone wild. Giving your children too much actually hurts them over the long haul, says parenting educator Jean Illsley Clarke, one of three co-authors of a book on the effects of overindulgence, “How Much is Enough?” (Marlowe and Co., $14.95, 2003). Here’s one way to tell you have overindulged your child: Instead of thanks and joy, you get whining and demands for more. Often overindulgence can appear to meet a child’s needs, but it does not. Overindulging is not just giving too many toys, clothes and sports equipment, the co-authors say. Parents also spoil kids by failing to set limits and not requiring chores. Children need adults who will say over the years, you have enough toys, candy and presents, you need to do certain chores, and here are your limits. Parents need to check their motives for giving too many gifts to their kids, say Les Parrott, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist, and his wife, Leslie Parrott, Ph.D., a family therapist. They are the authors of “The Parent You Want to Be: Who You Are Matters More than What You Do,” (Zondervan, $19.99, 2007). DON’T ACT ON GUILT The Parrotts offer these tips: Check your guilt: Parents often go overboard in gift-giving out of guilt for not giving the child more time. This is especially true after a divorce where the parents are trying to make up for the inevitable pain they’ve brought to their children. Parents need to ask themselves what’s motivating them to give their child so many gifts. Get practical: Have your kids write a wish list and then make priorities. Let them know that they are likely to receive maybe two or three of their top choices. Have them think about what it will be like to have that toy four months later. Will they still enjoy having it? Be a good role model: Children learn from the examples that parents set. Consider ways to help your child see the value and joy in giving as well as receiving. For example, depending on the child’s age, you might have them choose a toy to give to a less fortunate child. If they receive an allowance, talk to them about giving part of it to someone in need. The more your kids are spoiled, the less what you give them will be appreciated, according to Susan Newman, Ph.D., author of “The Book of NO: 250 Ways to Say It — and Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever,” (McGraw Hill, $14.95, 2005). UN-SPOIL CHILD Newman’s tips for “deprogramming the spoiled child” include: Remember that role modeling is key. If you tend to buy impulsively, your children will notice. Curb grandparent and other relatives’ inclination to spoil your children. Avoid competitive gift-giving between parents who are divorced, so you don’t fall into the single parent trap of trying to make up for the absent partner with gifts. Set limits on what you are willing to do or spend and factor in presents coming from others. Know your child’s passions and interests. By paying attention, you’ll be able to distinguish between when you’re being manipulated and when you’re being asked for something that will feed or nourish a child’s genuine interest. With your child, hold an annual pre-holiday clean out of toys and clothing to give away to charities in your area. Avoid excess. In giving to children, holiday splurging puts the emphasis in all the wrong places and encourages the spoiled child to want more, more, more.
As a grandparent myself, YES I will spoil my grandchildren at Christmas, by whatever I can afford. We never really had a ton of money to give to our kids when they were younger. But things are a little easier now and I can afford to do more. AND SO I WILL!! Christmas time is my favorite time of the year!
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