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Bullies have their own problems
Focus often is on victims, but aggressive kids have issues that will continue into adulthood
BY ELYSIA NEST Gazette Reporter

   The word “bullying” often brings to mind an image of a schoolyard scene with a big, intimidating student tormenting or causing bodily harm to a small, cowering child.
   If you’re a parent, the thought of your child being victimized in this manner is unthinkable.
   But what if your child is the one doing the bullying?
   Would you believe it? Would you try to change it? Would you ignore it in the hopes it is little more than a passing phase?
   Too often, parents have no idea that their child is harassing other children, as it is unlikely a child will come home and admit to terrorizing fellow classmates. Even more often, once parents are alerted to the behavior by school officials or other parents, they are eager to dismiss the facts, maintaining that their child is incapable of such deplorable behavior. Yet, accepting the situation and acting to change it is essential to making the future safer for your child and other children.
LEARNED AT HOME
   Randy Cale, a Clifton park-based psychologist, said parents commonly are not able to ameliorate bullying situations because the troublesome behavior is learned at home. “Home is where all children learn their core values. If, for example, dad behaves in a bullying way . . . on the soccer field and models controlling overpowering behavior, or he bullies mom, that is what is being taught,” he said.
   Vicki Panaccione, also known as the “parenting professor” and founder of the Better Parenting Institute in Melbourne, Fla., agreed, noting that bullies are commonly victims of abuse themselves, are mistreated or observe bullying behavior at home, act out anger and frustration about problems at home or school and use bullying as a way to be cool and accepted by the cool kids and as a way not to be bullied.
   Though it may seem like bullies have the upper hand and only cause harm to their victims, experts disagree. In fact, it has been observed that children who bully suffer as much as those they target and are significantly more likely than others to lead lives marked by school failure, depression, violence, crime and other problems.
   If you do determine that your child is using controlling, aggressive behavior, the responsibility lies first with the parent, which means parents often have to take a long, hard look at how they enter into the behavioral equation and make appropriate changes.
   “A child with a combative personality needs to be shown how to manage frustration and deal with conflict before bullying becomes a habit,” Panaccione said.
GETTING GRIP ON PROBLEM
   Stephen Birchak, a professor of counseling at The College of Saint Rose and the author of “How to Build a Child’s Character — By Tapping Into Your Own,” offered the following suggestions for parents:
   Take your child’s actions seriously. Don’t treat bullying as a phase. Even if you’re not worried about long-lasting effects on your child, another child is being hurt.
   Talk to your child to fi nd out why he or she is engaging in such behavior. Often, children bully when they feel sad, angry, lonely or insecure and many times major changes at home or school may bring on these feelings.
   Help build empathy for others and talk to your child about how it feels to be bullied.
   Ask a teacher or a school counselor if your child is facing any problems at school, such as struggling with a particular subject or having difficulty making friends. Ask them for advice on how you and your child can work through the problem.
   Ask yourself if someone at home is bullying your child. Often, kids who bully are bullied themselves by a parent, family member or another adult.
   Birchak said it is particularly important for your child to see that the adults around him are following the same rules.
   If your child continues bullying others, he said, do not hesitate to seek help for him as soon as possible. Treatment works better if it is started early in life. Individual, family or group psychotherapy may help if the parents are contributing to the problem.
   Without help, bullying can lead to serious school, social, emotional and even legal problems. Ask your child’s teacher, principal, school counselor or health care provider for a referral.
AVOID USING LABELS
   Also important, added Birchak, is to resist the temptation to label your child as a bully, as it can quickly become a self-fulfilling prophecy, a label that alters one’s actions and perpetuates a particular behavior.
   Panaccione recommends developing a clear and simple system of family rules and offering frequent praise and reinforcement. Use nonhostile, negative consequences for violations of rule-following behavior and consistently enforce the rules.
   Appropriate consequences for bullying might include the loss of privileges — for example, television, text-messaging privileges or computer game time. She added that physical punishment should never be used, as doing so will only reinforce your child’s mistaken belief that it’s acceptable to bully those who are weaker to get what one wants. If both you and the school are consistent in applying negative consequences for bullying, the chances he will change his behavior are considerably increased.
   Spending more time with your child is also critical, as is monitoring his activities. Find out who his friends are, where they spend their leisure time, and what activities they usually engage in. Is your child in bad company? If so, limit his exposure to that peer group and provide opportunities to become involved with more positiveminded peers.
   Build on your child’s talents and strengths, and help him develop less aggressive and more empathetic reaction patterns.
   Also, be certain to reward your child for positive, caring actions.
   Birchak said breaking the bullying cycle early on is crucial, because “mean children grow up to become mean adults.”
KIDS INTERVENING
   He added that most children are neither bullies nor their victims, but rather bystanders who watch bullying behavior occur.
   Working collectively, parents can guide and encourage their children to take action rather than just observe or duck away, avoiding the hurtful incident taking place in front of their eyes.
   Parents can coach their children to choose one of the following options when witnessing bullying:
   By fifth grade, a child can learn to judge when an incident is one that a group of friends can stop by stepping in and simply saying, “Stop it.”
   Older children can learn to make brief, strong statements to the bully that won’t escalate the conflict, but instead stifle it. Often, this bit of control provided by older children in the proximity of the bully and victim is all that’s required for the bully to retreat, he said.

I went to school where some kids where so called 'bullies'. They have grown into being fine adults. Their parents and teachers just told them it was bad behavior.  So I guess this isn't a rule of thumb.